Sometimes, it’s not the big betrayals that hurt the most but the small ones when the people you love forget to include you. I wrote this piece to help process my emotions and find peace again after I felt let down by a friend.
I used to think having good intentions mattered more — until I learned that being excluded, even kindly and with good intentions can still hurt.
When people you care about leave you out, it changes something inside you.
Not in an angry way — just a quiet resolute shift that reminds you to hold your peace a little closer.
This piece is about learning to make sense of that hurt, tune down expectations, and keep caring without losing yourself.
A Big Milestone
It was my friend Zinnia’s 25th wedding anniversary — a special milestone — but she wasn’t celebrating because of personal reasons known to us.We’re a group of three college friends – me, Yogita and Zinnia , our trio had shared decades of laughter and tears, our friendship had stood the test of time. When she told us about her decision to not have a party, it felt right to honour her wishes.
On the day of Zinnia’s Anniversary, I switched on the phone and was ambushed with pictures of Yogita showing up at Zinnia’ s doorstep with cake, flowers, and gifts — a surprise she hadn’t told me about. From what I saw, it was lovely and I was glad because I could feel that Zinnia had been feeling low about not being able to celebrate her special milestone.She had smiled for the first time in days.
And yet amidst this joy, somewhere inside me, a small ache started to grow.
The Ache of being Excluded
I sifted through emotions and analysed my feelings.It wasn’t jealousy. It was the feeling of being left out of something that mattered — a moment I would’ve loved to be part of. The two of them had done something thoughtful and beautiful, but I was standing outside that picture, looking in.It also felt like I was the friend who did not care as much for Zinnia.
I decided to tell Yogita that I was deeply hurt by her exclusion, even though I understood that her intention had been good. She listened, and then said something that pierced deeper— “There is no reason for you to feel bad about. Our bond is more intimate than yours with her.”
There it was. A sentence that both explained and dismissed my pain in one breath.Instead of acting like a balm, her explanation felt a clear dismissal of my feelings.
The Big Realization
In that moment, I realized something very important: not everyone will meet you in the same emotional place that you offer them. All friendships are not alike.Some friendships have depth in one direction and shallowness in another, and no amount of explaining can make someone see your hurt if they’ve already decided it doesn’t matter.
So I chose to step back. Not in anger, but in quiet acceptance. I still care, still wish her well, but I no longer expect her to understand my heart the way I try to understand hers.We are two different individuals shaped by different values, upbringing and circumstances.What matters a lot to me may not be important to her. Another important lesson in healing that I learnt is that peace sometimes means giving up the need to be included, to be seen, to be chosen.If someone rejects me , it does not define who I am.I am at peace with that.
Why being left out Hurts
Humans are social animals and our connections in a way define us and make us feel valued. Exclusion from someone you love cuts deep because it shakes the very base of the assumption that you belong to an inner circle where you feel safe and valued. But once the sting fades, you realize that being left out can also be freeing — it teaches you to stop seeking space in places that don’t have room for you right now.
The Healing Process
I’m still friends with both of them. The warmth is there, just milder and quieter replaced by something more self-protective.I have clearer boundaries.And maybe that’s okay. Sometimes, peace doesn’t come from being part of everything — it comes from knowing when to gently step back, and when to let go.
I try not to let this affect my self worth.I could identify that this pain was actually emerging from another hurt from my past and the incident just stuck a thorn back in that tender spot.Hence my pain was deeper than it could have been had it not been for the past.I’ve stopped trying to prove I belong in circles that aren’t meant for me. Sometimes, letting go of the need to be part of every story is how you write your own.
Have you ever been let down by a close one?
How did you cope with it?
This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’ hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla.
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